burning both ends

this is gonna sound weird, but i haven't been able to express lately. like, not really at all.

i guess there's a few reasons for this. my plates have been piled high beyond my means, and i've been trying to get through each day figuring out what plates i can keep spinning, and which are the ones that have to come down.

unfortunately, a lot of the plates that feel the least valuable to me are the ones that take the most mental exertion, and also happen to be the ones with the most complications if dropped. instead, i've knocked down the ones that really matter to me, that make me feel good, that keep me grounded.

its not an ideal situation, but god knows i dont know what else there is to do. every day i have this same hallucination of fear; i revert to a wastoid dope looking for any reason to keep myself afloat. i lived that life once, and it was even more unsustainable than what i'm doing now. funny how the less you put effort into keeping yourself sane, the harder it is to keep yourself awake (editor's note: it is not actually funny).

this week i've woken up every morning at 4am. i've had to present myself to a stage of non-listeners, then act like a member of society afterwards. appointments, classes, work, all of it takes so much time. it is a constant reminder to me of how much time is something you invest, and how its something you don't ever make interest on. time is the only currency you can only spend and never make back. i feel like i've sunk cost into a bull stock in a bear market as a last resort and expected it to go my way. i'm tired of being a functional fool.

i have to apologize for my aimless rambles. as previously stated, i haven't been able to express much. i haven't seen too many friends in a while, haven't been able to do too much for the fun of it, and i'm becoming frustrated with the way my long-term goals are panning out. everything i choose to do takes so much emotional energy, and it is something i just don't have enough of to expend like i do. someday i'll be wise in spending. someday i won't give everything i've got every chance i've got to give it. today, though, i'm spent.